Feeling Guilty? Learn More About This Feeling and How to Properly Cope
Guilt, believe it or not, is a very common feeling for most people. It’s an emotion that is often felt when we feel like we’ve done something wrong or have failed to meet expectations. It sometimes is accompanied by regret or remorse. These feelings can easily lead someone into feeling shame, a feeling that YOU are the problem, not that your behavior has caused one. Guilt is a natural human response that, if dealt with properly, can lead to positive behaviors. However, when it’s left unexplored, it has the potential to be destructive.
There are several forms of guilt and understanding what type of guilt you’re feeling and why can support better coping and the ability to move forward. Let’s explore the different types of guilt that are common:
Reactive or consequential guilt. We feel this type of guilt when we feel we’ve failed to act, or in response to a specific action or event.
Anticipatory guilt: This type of guilt happens before an action might take place. This can sometimes help people from taking particular action that might be hurtful or harmful.
Existential guilt: This is a form of guilt that isn’t tied to a specific action or event. Instead, it’s much broader. For example, you might feel guilty that you’re not living up to your human potential.
Religious guilt: This guilt tends to happen when your actions or thoughts do not align or conform with your religions’ expectations.
Collective guilt: The feeling that you might share responsibility for harm done by members of a group you belong to. Groups might include parts of society, family, culture, or gender.
Inappropriate or excessive guilt: Guilt that is felt even when you haven’t done anything wrong or is out of proportion to the actual mistake made. It’s often linked to mental health conditions such as anxiety and depression.
Don’t let your guilt hold you back.
IMPACTS OF GUILT
The truth is, guilty feelings and thoughts are linked to stress and anxiety. They can affect your peace of mind and cause physical ailments such as digestive issues, insomnia, restlessness, or muscle tension. Depending on how you cope with guilt, it could have positive or negative outcomes. If you respond to guilt by making amends, extending genuine heartfelt apologies, and correcting problematic behaviors, this can have a positive outcome. It can repair and even strengthen your relationships. It can also allow you to reflect on your behavior and better align future behaviors with your values. Conversely, guilty feelings can sometimes lead to feelings of shame, anger, self-punishment, or self-deprication. This can strain relationships, contribute to mental health struggles, and make it more difficult to enjoy your life.
Let’s talk about signs and signals for you to recognize of when guilt is becoming unhealthy.
Being unable to forgive yourself for minor mistakes
Blaming yourself for things that are out of your control
Believing you caused much more harm than you actually have
Criticizing or punishing yourself
Believing that you don’t think good things should happen to you
Over-apologizing
Putting other’s needs ahead of your own
Avoiding people or situations
Feeling bad about your own thoughts and feelings
Dwelling on “should haves” or “could haves”
Are you doing any of these behaviors? If so, it might be time to really reflect on how your guilt is impacting your life. Can you have an honest and loving conversation with yourself about the reality of the situation in which you feel guilty about? If you do believe that you were wholly responsible for something that caused problems for others, please consider making amends and expressing your guilt to the impacted party. If you realize that your guilt is unnecessary or disproportionate to the circumstance, practice self-compassion and give yourself permission to let it go knowing that you’re a good person and that mistakes are a part of life. If handled well, they allow us to grow!
Be aware, guilt can impact self-esteem. Too much unresolved guilt can also turn into anxiety and depression. If you struggle with intense feelings of guilt or are having a hard time moving forward from such thoughts and feelings, please consider speaking to a professional therapist. I love providing space for my clients to explore their feelings, look for patterns, and learn positive ways to cope.
Coping with thoughts and feelings of guilt can help you let go and move forward.
HOW TO COPE WITH GUILT
Here are some suggestions to help you cope with guilt in a healthy, productive way.
Reflect on why you feel guilty. Does it line up with the actual impact of your actions? Is there a logical reason for you to feel guilt? Could you be assuming how others feel instead of actually knowing their true feelings? Are you blaming yourself for things that are out of your control or for events that aren’t your fault? Notice and acknowledge your feelings and then explore whether the thoughts and beliefs behind them are accurate.
Think about what you can do. If you believe you caused hurt or harm, consider taking responsible actions to make things right. Seek forgiveness from those you hurt. Yes, this might involve having difficult conversations, repaying a debt, or changing behaviors that contributed to the problem. You can do this! It probably feels uncomfortable to even consider, but trust me, you’ll feel better after you take this step!
Practice self-forgiveness. Understand that everyone makes mistakes and we all have opportunities for growth. How you handle your mistakes, as mentioned before, impacts whether it has a positive or negative outcome. Forgiving yourself isn’t saying that you don’t care about the consequences of your actions, it’s about having self-compassion and letting yourself move forward. Listen, we have all done crappy things in our lifetime. You don’t have to serve a life sentence, just make things right and grow from the experience.
Seek support. Allowing friends, family, or a therapist listen to your thoughts and feelings can be a relief. Others can offer a new perspective and help you figure out if your feelings are proportional. Therapists might use a modality called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to help you identify and challenge unhelpful thoughts. Using Mindfulness or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) might also be helpful in reducing your guilt and moving on.
I hope this article has reached you, particularly if you’re holding onto guilt about something current or from the past. There are things you can do to release the shackles of this emotion and I’d be happy to help you get there. If you need support, please reach out and schedule a session.