Are Your Thoughts Keeping You Stuck?
We’ve all been there - attached to our thoughts and believing that each of them is true without taking the time to stop and inquire whether our thoughts could be misleading us. Attending to our thoughts might sound like a lot of work, but when you learn about the different thought presentations that I am about to share with you, you’ll become a thought-sleuth with more ease. So let’s dive in!
First things first, something I want you to grab onto tight. Your thoughts are not always true or accurate. In fact, often times our brains create systematic errors that don’t follow logic. They can make you believe something negative despite facts suggesting otherwise. These thoughts are called “cognitive distortions”. Remember that term - you’ll find it very helpful!
So what are cognitive distortions? These are thoughts that twist how you see yourself, others, or situations. They happen automatically, which is why it’s going to be very important to know what to look for. There are so many different types of cognitive distortions, but below I will outline a few that are quite common and that you might relate to.
All-or-nothing thinking (aka black or white thinking): This pattern of thought has you thinking in extremes, often completely good or completely bad. This may look like getting a B on a test and feeling like a failure because you didn’t get an A as you had hoped. Another example would be abandoning a diet after you’ve allowed yourself a treat, thinking that all of your efforts are out the window. In a relationship you might think, “My partner forgot our anniversary. He/She/They doesn’t care about us.”
Overgeneralization: This happens when you take one event and turn it into a pattern or rule about your life. Commonly, words such as “always” or “never” accompany the thoughts. For example you might experience a rejection and think, “This always happens to me. I never get what I want.” After a break up, you might find yourself thinking, “I’ll never find love again. Why does everyone always leave me?”
Mind Reading: This happens when you assume you know what the other person is thinking or feeling without evidence to support it. You might think that a friend is angry with you because they haven’t called you this week, when in reality, they might be busy with other things. At work, you might think that others are judging your performance after a presentation despite getting positive feedback. This often shows up in social contexts when you assume how others are perceiving you (ever felt self conscious in a social setting? You likely were having mind-reading cognitive distortions).
Fortune Telling: This thought involves predicting bad outcomes with no real reason. You might predict, “This presentation isn’t going to go well” even when you’ve worked hard to put it together and when you’ve successfully given presentations in the past. Or, “I just know I’m going to get sick.”
Catastrophizing: When your mind jumps to worst-case scenarios, you’re catastrophizing! For instance, if you make a mistake at work, you immediately have the thought that you’ll get fired. You might feel a bodily sensation such as a headache and think, “I know I have a brain tumor”. These thoughts are overestimating threat and underestimating your coping abilities commonly causing increased anxiety.
Minimizing: When you dismiss or undervalue good experiences or your own strengths, you’re minimizing. You might receive a compliment from someone and think “They are just saying that to be polite.” This might come at an emotional cost too when you find yourself saying, “I shouldn’t feel sad about my situation, others have it worse.” Minimization downplays the significance of positive events, achievements, or own felt experiences.
Should statements: Many of you have heard me say in therapy, “Don’t let anyone should on you.” Here’s why. Should statements focus on rigid “should” or “must” be rules. You feel pressure to live up to these rules and falling short creates feelings of guilt, shame, or defeat. Introduce flexibility into your thinking and your language then notice the emotional outcome - I’m pretty sure you’re going to like it!
Personalization and self-blame: This thinking pattern involves blaming yourself for when something goes wrong. It’s assuming responsibility for bad things even when you’re not responsible. For instance, if a friend seems “off” or possibly upset, you immediately think that you’re the cause. This can be harmful in relationships where self-blame prevents you from seeing who is responsible for certain patterns. Others behaviors are not a direct reaction to you most times. Have you ever thought your partner’s bad mood was because of you? Or have you ever felt that a friend canceling plans with you was because they disliked you or didn’t look forward to hanging out?
Understanding cognitive distortions is incredibly important as they are connected to experiences of anxiety and depression. In depression, cognitive distortions have been shown to reduce healthy coping skills and increase unhealthy patterns. People with depression tend to anticipate negative outcomes and show less flexibility in their thinking. There is also a strong connection to those who feel lonely to distortive thinking. Think about it, when lonely people believe they are destined to be alone, or that others are rejecting them, they tend to withdraw further making the loneliness worse. The pattern is reinforced making situations feel unbearable.
HOW TO SPOT AND CHALLENGE DISTORTED THINKING
So here comes the exciting part - you can do something about distorted thinking! Yes it takes work, but the work is well worth the effort! I’m going to teach you how to “restructure” your thoughts. The first step is to spot your distorted thought. Then, look at the evidence/facts. And then, consider other explanations (this is were flexible thought shines!). So in the first step, you’ll be practicing mindfulness which is the observation of your thinking without judgment or feeling controlled by them. Sometimes it’s helpful to write down your thoughts so you can look at them. This also allows you to notice if you have tendencies toward certain thoughts.
As you start to explore your thoughts you’ll want to ask some questions “What are the facts?” “Are there other explanations?” “What are the realistic consequences?”
As you examine your thoughts, I want you to treat yourself as you would a good friend: with compassion and gentle understanding, no judgement. In this process, you’re going to try avoiding extremes. This doesn’t mean you always have to find the positives, but it allows you to look at the situation and consider different angles and possibilities. Instead of “I am terrible at my job” you might restructure it to “I messed up this time but I’ve done really good work other times.” Can you feel your body relaxing as you step into a more flexible mindset?
If you relate to this pattern of thinking, you’re most certainly not alone! Cognitive distortions can find their way into our thoughts at any time, but now you know what to look for and how to correct them as they occur. If you’d like to do more work around your cognitive distortions, reach out to schedule a session with me and we’ll explore your patterns of thinking and behavior together.